MY SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

by Sarah Hiner

How have my husband and I handled big plans and goals throughout our 36-year marriage? That was the question I was asked when I was interviewed by Alex Cormont on his podcast, “The French Relationship Expert.”

My answer: “Without planning.”

What? Isn’t having goals and planning vital to creating a happy home and the secret to living a good life?    Especially for a Type A and driven person like me, it seems an unbelievable that we would not have planned our life. But the truth is, we didn’t. Thank goodness.

Had my husband or I been attached to specific goals or accomplishments when we were younger, we actually may never have gotten married in the first place. When we met, I was 24 and just starting my advertising career. I thought he was a hunky “Colorado Cowboy” with his Tony Lama boots and warm smile. He had come to New York to do the “year in New York after college” thing. He wasn’t looking for marriage when we met, and neither of us had visions of parenthood.

Yet here we are, 39 years later (married for 36), with two amazing daughters and still happily not planning our lives.

The secret, I believe, is that we have shared values and complementary styles. And we were not attached to specific plans or goals.

That’s not to say we didn’t have goals or dreams—we did. Nor is it to say that we don’t now dream or plan—we do. We just weren’t overly attached to specific timelines or goals. Rather we took an organic pathway toward growth, making decisions when we were ready for or confronted with the need for change…not before. That allowed us to address questions when they came up and avoid disappointment and frustration for either one of us if something didn’t go “as planned.”

When we were first married, we had zero money in the bank and both of us were very focused on our careers. We were happy with our jobs…until we weren’t. And when we weren’t, we got different jobs.

We were happy being just a young married couple putting sweat equity into our starter home and enjoying our time with ourselves and our friends.

When we were well on a pathway of savings, we allowed ourselves vacations and invested in a sailboat because “seeing horizon” and being in nature was important to my mountain-man husband, Ron. He had researched and dreamed for a long time, but we bought the boat when the time was right—not when some written agenda had pre-decided it.

After seven years of creating our foundation, we realized that we were ready for more in our lives…and then the idea of having children was on our radar. We didn’t plan for years, nor did we set a date for it driven by my biological clock. When we were ready for a shift, we shifted.

And so it has gone throughout our lives together—sharing our big-picture values and playing with dreams but never setting lines in the sand that, if not crossed, would lead to disappointment.

Some might say, “Don’t you need to have goals and to plan?” If you don’t have a goal, then you can’t make progress, right?

Absolutely. For things like paying off debt and saving for retirement, you absolutely need a plan. And yes, for accomplishments as well. But…

Being too attached to plans—and in particular to timelines—can be dangerous. I think those who are too attached to their plans often end up unhappier in the long run—as individuals and as couples—constantly feeling disappointed for not meeting the plan.

When we were sailing, Ron was adamant that the most dangerous thing you could have on a boat was a deadline. We never sacrificed our safety in order to be in a specific port at a specific time. Sure, we planned our trips carefully based on the tides and made reservations for moorings and at boatyards so we could visit different places. But we also knew that we had to be adaptable. The weather may be bad…or something on the boat may break…or we may be having such a good time that we decide to stay a little longer in a certain location.

Life is forever throwing curveballs. If you can’t adapt because of “your plan,” you will forever live in frustration. The vision of what your life will be when you are 35 may be entirely different when you actually reach 35, and that means the plans you had may no longer be appropriate.

As a couple—and a family—you will always be balancing your personal dreams with those of your partner and children. You don’t have to make sacrifices…you just may need to adapt. I got my MBA online rather than in person. That’s because, when I felt the need to get my MBA, an on-line program better fit into my life as a mother of young children.

About a year and a half ago, having sold our family publishing company (BottomLineInc.)  Ron and I decided it was time to sell our home in Connecticut and move to Colorado.  We did have a dream that we would end up out here, but never had a specific date.  However, in the summer of 2022, with the real estate market strong, my 90 year old mother safely settled in a beautiful independent living community and our daughters gone from Connecticut the stars aligned and we once again reviewed the situation and made a decision.  And, it’s been a great one, full of new adventures for us individually, as a couple and as a family. 

As I said to Alex, it is far better to enjoy the journey and be open to the opportunities that may come your way than stridently run down your life checklist.

I look forward to another 36 or more years with Ron. I’m not sure what we’ll be doing or where we will be doing it, but I know that it will be a happy time full of love and laughter.