FIGHT OR FORGIVE

by Sarah Hiner

Having a strong social network is not only a central piece of the way to happiness, but also vital to longevity. People with strong friendships and family relationships live longer. Yet what do you do when someone in that network hurts you?  Do you fight or forgive?

I had to make that decision last week.  A relatively new, but close friend, broke a promise that caused me hurt and embarrassment. It wasn’t like she stole money from me or spread rumors about me. But, she did break a promise to participate in a big event with me. We had planned it for a couple of months and had excitedly been preparing for it. Then, the night before we were supposed to go she said she had a conflict that prohibited her from participating. Her withdrawal meant that I, too, had to cancel.  

My emotional response was interesting to me and worth sharing with you, since I’m sure I’m not the only one whose friends or family have disappointed in this way.   Yes I was angry - but upon reflection it was so much more complicated.  As you read my reflection, think about if you have had a similar emotional ride. 

So what went through my mind?

1. Anger - first reaction was, of course, anger, but I think this was just the biochemical reaction to the other deeper thoughts and feelings that went through my mind. I believe that anger is a catch all phrase when in fact there is something far deeper happening within us.
   
   
2. Betrayal - Broken promises for me are a betrayal of trust. Why had someone I trusted broken a promise to me? I pride myself on my own personal integrity - if I promise something I keep my promises, and I surround myself with those who do similarly. In order to live a life of happiness we need people in our lives who we can trust because they help us feel safe in a world that is often chaotic and can make us feel vulnerable.
   
   
3. Fear of Rejection - We want to belong and feel accepted by our communities. Since this is a relatively new relationship and I was stepping out of my comfort zone for this event, my own insecurities (yes we all have them) started me wondering if the sudden cancellation was actually a rejection of me. Did she not want to be with a rookie such as myself for this event? Did she not want to be my friend? Had I done something wrong in recent weeks that had her choosing something else instead of our event? Of course none of that chatter was about the other person… it was just my own insecurities. Watch and see if you do something similar.
   
   
4. Lack of Communication - Communication is at the core of all quality relationships. And lack of communication is at the core of all troubled relationships. Nothing has ever gotten better by avoiding talking. So why wouldn’t my friend give me a heads up to a possible problem… especially when we had seen each other multiple times leading up to the event? Was it fear on her part that I might get angry? Was I unapproachable? Or, is a fear of communicating a shortcoming on her part that she needs to address? 

So, I didn’t go to the event and instead helped my husband with a big project. But now what? Where does the relationship with my friend go from here? We talked the next day and I shared my thoughts and hurts - and she acknowledged her errors and took full responsibility for her mistakes. So I forgave her. We are looking forward to building an even stronger friendship going forward having hit this bump in the road. However, in order reach a state of forgiveness, I had to go through an additional thought tree, asking myself a number of questions…

1. Was it really hurtful or simply annoying? Stuff happens. Things come up. And I’ve heard many people create the proverbial mountain out of a molehill. So first thing to look at is if this was really a big deal or if, perhaps , I was placing more drama on this than necessary. With regard to this incident, my issue wasn’t cancelling plans - that happens all the time. It’s never a big deal to simply reschedule a movie night or hike. My issue was a combination of my emotional vulnerability due to the new situation, the last minute change without communication, and that our cancellation actually affected others who would also be attending. And her taking responsibility for her error(s) made me feel heard. 

2. What is the person’s pattern? Is this standard behavior or an exception? We want to surround ourselves with friends who we can rely on and who help us be our best selves, not those who drain energy and who take more than they give. Is the problem behavior a pattern for them? Or is this a rare exception? Or somewhere in between? In this case – it was somewhere in between. In person she’s a good communicator, but is not as proactive a communicator as I am - and she knows that. So, it’s not evil, it’s an area that she knows she needs to work on. When we are together her communication is great and I learn from her constantly. 

3.  Can you accept them for who they are and who they aren’t? Now that you’ve identified the problem and if it’s part of who they are or just an anomaly, the question is: If it’s a shortcoming of the individual, are you willing to accept the person with that flaw because other aspects make it worth it? Can you live with something that may potentially drive you crazy but it’s worth it due to their other attributes? As I like to say, can you love them for who they are and who they aren’t? If you say “yes” then know that the behavior can’t bother you any more… you just have to trust that it will still be there and plan accordingly.

In the end, I’m oddly glad that this happened.  Was it frustrating? Absolutely. But, we have both grown as a result of it and our friendship will be stronger in the long run.  

Don’t waste your time, energy or physical health on being angry -  the hormone release is inflammatory and destructive. Living in the fight harms us perhaps more than it hurts our foe. Forgiveness is far healthier. Look deeply to the emotions underneath the anger and explore what’s really bothering you about it. Use some positive psychology to help you grow through the challenge in order to come out stronger and find happiness on the other side.