Care, Yes. Worry, No.

 by Sarah Hiner


How often has your day been “wrecked” because something didn’t go as planned? Mine could have been a four-alarm fire today when before 8am I discovered that both a family member’s debit card and credit card had been hacked by someone, locking up both their checking account and credit card. Meanwhile the account connected to the debit card was already “on hold” because checks that had been ordered a few weeks ago hadn’t arrived, yet a number of checks were written against it to pay taxes, so I’ve been watching the account so I can close the account without bouncing the tax payments. What a mess!  

Mess yes… Thankfully that’s all it was. No significant value lost on the accounts. And, just a huge amount of inconvenience for all involved.  

But here’s what didn’t happen – it didn’t wreck my day. I didn’t internalize the drama into my body and create some form of pain. And, I didn’t head down a worry train that would have me fearing scammers and thieves at every corner and feeling obliged to track every transaction in the future. At the end of the day, I still had a good, happy day. 

Worrying is stupid. That’s not my line, it’s my husband’s.  

A while back, he wasn’t feeling well, thanks to the start of a cold, and when I said I was worried, he abruptly stated, “Worrying is stupid.” I was offended. Ron tends to be one of those people who likes to hibernate and be alone when he is sick… but of course, I want to help him feel better. He has had pneumonia a few times, so I would worry that on the rare occasion when he catches a cold, it might get more serious. So there I was, wanting to shower him with chicken soup and vitamin C and he just pushed me away.

My response to his declaration that worrying is stupid — “I am simply trying to love you and let you know I care.”

“Caring is fine. Worrying is not.”

“But to me, worrying is an extension of caring.”

Pause… hmmm He caught me in a major philosophical trap that haunted me for weeks.

I know that worrying is wasted and even dangerous energy. I tell that to myself every time a family member is flying or headed on a long drive. There is nothing on earth that I can do from afar that will change his/her fate on that plane or in that car. I remind mommy friends that all their worries are for naught, since nothing they do will protect their kids from falling off the monkey bars at recess… or keep them safe while at a college party. 

Similarly, for all us who are also caring for aging parents, we can’t ensure that they will never fall or make a medication mistake. It’s simply impossible. You can teach your children right from wrong when young... encourage your parents and teens to make smart choices… and then it’s up to them. Sitting around imagining the worst is a pure waste of time and brain cells.

But here’s what I’ve wrestled with. What about caring? Where does that fit in? Why have I morphed them together?

Some scenarios…

Grown child calls to share what’s going on in her life and verbally vomits about her bad day at work and unreasonable boss. Should I simply care about her frustrations? Or worry that she is deeply unhappy or maybe needs a different job?

Spouse calls to say his flight has been canceled, he is stranded for the night and won’t be home until tomorrow. Care about his comfort through the night? Or worry that his travels will now cost more and he won’t be home to attend the party you’re supposed to go to?

Car breaks and you’re supposed to visit friends for the weekend. Care about breaking a date with your friends? Or worry that you can’t trust your car anymore and might need to buy a new one?

The doctor calls and says your family member needs to come in for a second round of testing. Care and be concerned about his health and well-being? Or worry that something horrible may be wrong?

In each of these scenarios, I would care, but would I also worry? 

Is caring versus worrying a function of relationship? Does something morph from caring to worrying when it’s closer to home or a more important relationship?

Or, is it a matter of scope? Small things can be cared about, but something big and frightening causes worry?

Or does it come down to a question of control? Caring is something you can do to provide support, worry happens when you feel like you want to do something but you have no control over the situation. 

I care while on the phone with my daughter, I worry when I get off the phone and think about whether she has the tools to handle the situation properly. I care about my mother when she tells me she’s taking the dog for a walk on a snowy day. I worry when I call her later and she doesn’t answer the phone. I care about my husband when he doesn’t feel well, and I worry when he develops a cough.

Ironically, we want to take control and fix a situation, but we can’t always do something. I can’t help the pilot. I can’t stop a drunk driver. I can’t clear the sidewalk for my elderly mom and her dog. So, does worrying give us something to do in order to feel like we are doing something? Is it a false sense of action?

I think that’s it… Caring awakens your soul. It is something that you can actually do by providing emotional support to someone and connecting with them. Worrying is what you do when you feel obligated to do something but don’t know what to do. It’s like a mental fidget. 

My husband is right. Worrying is stupid and utterly useless. Can’t fix… can’t help… can’t do anything. It’s merely noise in the brain. A distraction. A destruction that creates more stress and strain on the body and makes us unhappy. 

It’s beautiful to care. Care that you care. Let others know that you care. Ask if there is anything you can do to help change the situation. And then let go. Distract. Move on. Find something else to care about. There is always plenty on that list.